Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

God, I love Scotland

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered