Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

i baked you a cake

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Real bees work best

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder