Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

That’s it.I’m out.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10