Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

My last name is Zilla.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself