Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess