Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
just pretend nothing happened
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something