Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.