Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.