Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
WHO DID THIS?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.