Mistakes were made
You Might Also Like
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.