Mistakes were made
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I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am