Mistakes were made
You Might Also Like
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”