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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option