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Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
based al yankovic
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!