Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Lmfaoooooo
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
crochet youtube is brutal
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds