Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
You Might Also Like
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.