Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Cndnsd Mlk

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?