Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?