Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.