Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.