Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.