Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Real bees work best
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
japanese corn
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.