Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
You Might Also Like
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone