Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.


I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


8: teach me karate

[flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together]

Me: first things first, we need a sword


DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No


Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?


It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying