Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto