Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Cndnsd Mlk
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
*jingles half the way*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite