if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Meow
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
good for her
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops