Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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My wife has the worst taste in men.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Lmao
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.