Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”