Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!