I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
No, YOUR illiterate.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Yup
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
A friend helps you before you need it
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?