<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
That’s not how days work.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.