WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.
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i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]