Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Bruh PLEASE
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨