Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Passwords are more important than ever.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
6: are snakes just neck?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
finally
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?