Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.