@nattylumpo88

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

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@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@TheGladStork

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

@PinkCamoTO

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

@TheMichaelRock

Wait! What?!

The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?!

*prays*

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@Mom_Overboard

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.