Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
You Might Also Like
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Just had my nails done!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.