Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

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*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn


Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs


Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.


*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.


Wait! What?!

The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?!



If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.


As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.


“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.


I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.


[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.


Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.