Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Give us this day our daily internet validation

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like