Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

peeping toms

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Here to help

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?