Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Awesome parenting 😂
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you