*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Smile they said.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.