*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.