Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

#MeanwhileInCanada

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists