Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no