Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
You Might Also Like
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Haha! 😂
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.