Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.