You Might Also Like
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.