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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I have so many questions.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot