m’lady
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.