m’lady
You Might Also Like
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
💀💀
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”