“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
oh no, steve’s working tonight
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators