mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
rebranding
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.