mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*