mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
You Might Also Like
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.