MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
kitchen magnet
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok