MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

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My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.


COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.


[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor


ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs


Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.