@patnspankme

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

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@peachgrenade

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@donni

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

@sofarrsogud

My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.

@xysist

Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@Home_Halfway

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

@behindyourback

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

@not_delicate

I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday