MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably