I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”
*writes employment history on arm
*writes professional references on thigh
*writes email address on neck
*adds “resume” to resume
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.