My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Decaf means something is very, very Dec.
COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.