A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.
Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday