@patnspankme

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

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@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@ch000ch

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@novicefather

[interview]

“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”

Me: no

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

@Schmoodles

I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.