MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
i was dropped as an adult
Extremely relatable.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.