mmm onion ringos
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I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
What an awful time to have common sense.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
This is my emotional support knife.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song