“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
la cocaina
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.