Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold