Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.