Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

I know this now 😂

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.