Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

I love twitter

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Spider-cat: No One Home

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face