Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.