Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

For the orator and chef in all of us

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”