“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?