“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Breaking news:
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
two people or more is called a problem
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.