“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??