Mmmm canned fish.
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since