Mmmm canned fish.
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
A Short Story.
Netflix and you sit over there.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.